Sunday, March 28, 2010

Come As You Are

“Come As You Are”

The past few months, the Lord has been speaking to my heart about coming before Him just as I am, and in no other way. So often I try and dress myself up, or try and fix things on my own so that when I come to Him, I won’t seem so incredibly awful and shabby. I was asking the Lord the other day to show me more clearly how He felt about me, and the following is the result.

Come as you are, as you and you alone. You didn’t come into this world perfect, you didn’t come into this world filled with good thoughts, you each have wounds, broken dreams and defeated yesterdays. So just come as you are. I see your wounds, and I know how deep they run, but if you surrender them to me, defeated and all, I will take you under my wings as a mother hen gathers her young and I will cover you with my blessings and my protection. When you fight against accepting my will and fight to keep your independence, you block my covering and you block my blessings. It doesn’t mean that there won’t be pain in this world once you surrender to me. My child, this place you are in now, this earth won’t be forever. It has evil within it and that evil will affect you as long as you walk on its soil. But when you come to me broken and bare, I clothe you and I hold you and I mend the wounds that run so very deep, I kiss them and take them away forever, if you will only let me. Will you let me kiss them away, will you accept my love?

So come as you are, bandaged and aching, open and bare. Come as you are and rest in your Father’s arms. How I long to hold you, how I long to breathe my life into yours and fill every empty place you have ever had. It is in me alone you will find completeness, and how it breaks my heart when you struggle and toil daily to make it through this harsh and broken world on your own.

So come as you are, I don’t want or expect anything more, I see the things that have happened to you and I know when you aren’t responsible. For the things you are responsible for, I offer forgiveness, complete and cleansing as far as the east is from the west. Come as you are and bow your will before me, surrender your battles and surrender your victories, and I will take them and make something beautiful out of them. Just so long as you come.

So come as you are, you are royalty, daughters and sons to the King of all Kings. I desire to exalt you above men, I desire to lavish my love upon you, won’t you please heed my calling? That is me that you hear calling ever so faintly, every day, every hour, every minute. I have been trying to reach you since the day you were born. I have had a special message for your life constantly being sounded out into the music of eternity. Won’t you listen to its sweet melody? I will give you guidance. I will give you confidence in who you are as my child, and in me no evil power will overcome you, but you must surrender. When you surrender to me, you tear down the walls that you have built around your heart that have been blocking me for so very long.

So come as you are, no matter how that is, I love you forever and it is in loving kindness I have drawn you. I created you and I have special plans for you, all you need to do is surrender. Let go of today, surrender it to me. Let go of tomorrow, surrender it to me. And forget yesterday, surrender it to me, the past is no place to live, and there is nothing certain in your future, you only have today. Live in today, live in this moment, and surrender every detail of your life to me. I promise you your life will not only be better but easier when you let me carry you. So come as you are, bring everything to my feet, lay it all down and be forever changed in me, just so long as you come… I have been waiting for so very long.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Little Tiny Pencil Nubs...

Little tiny pencil nubs, oh the things that you have drawn. You have filled the void with color and life, taken pieces of my children’s imaginations and made them real. So worn down and so little is left of you, but you are beautiful to me and I will treasure you always.

I keep you in your special little bag and I pull you out to look at you every now and then to be reminded of all you have helped to create. I marvel at your simplicity, and the wonderful drawings, that held in the hand of my little creators, you have brought to life. I can’t help but be amazed at how this tiny little tool, held in the proper little hands, creates magic, humor, life and hope. There is no end to imagination, once opened up it is like a Pandora’s box, and once flowing it just keeps going.

At some point I became too old for my imagination, in order to be like everyone else I decided it would be best to set it aside on a shelf. And it got all kinds of dusty. But now, it seems as though God has His feather duster, which is an odd picture in itself, and is cleaning it off for me and helping me to find where I have hidden it in this closet of my life.

A few years ago I decided to listen to God and stop trying to drill letters and words into my Samuel so he would begin to finally speak, all it would do was frustrate and overwhelm him, and make us both feel horrible. I decided to listen to what God was saying to me and started encouraging Samuel’s artwork instead of his letters and words. Samuel has autism, and up until two months ago, you could rarely coax words out of him, but now, he has A LOT! Just last week he greeted a little boy for the first time, saying “Hi” and looking straight into his eyes, not common for autism. First time ever!

Last night we went to get groceries at Walmart and there is a special lady there named Linda, she is a greeter, and she took a liking to our Sammy right away. You see people have one of three reactions when they see my son and observe his behavior and how he sounds, even though he is extremely well behaved for a child with autism, people still don’t understand his differences. They either have a shock of anger flash across their face, something like “how dare those parents let their child behave in such a manner!” They simply are overwhelmed by him and don’t know what to do so they quickly look away. Or they fall in love with my Sammy and decide that no matter what it takes to reach this little guy they are going to try because he is an amazing and beautiful child who deserves kindness from strangers. You would be amazed at how RARELY we come across the latter. It breaks my heart most of the time, but I have learned to ignore the people that don’t like my Sammy, I love him enough to make up for that.

Linda is a very special woman, she has a grandson who has autism, so the first time she met Sammy, and uncovered him from his Veggie Tales blanket to see who was under there, she didn’t mind when the first thing he did was reach to feel her soft skin and smell what it was like to be a Linda. She smiled when he did that and she knew he was trying to connect with her. Every time we go into the store, she stops what she is doing and talks to us for as long as we want on our way in and on our way out. Linda is an angel in my eyes, and I am crying as I write this because she has touched my heart in such an amazing way through her kindness to my child, that so many in this world choose to ignore and be put off by. What happened to us as a people and when did we stop believing in each other and the value of life?!? Last night he said “Hi” to Linda and he TALKED with her and repeated all the words she was saying. And when we were leaving, he said “Goodbye” and waved! I can’t tell you what it did to my heart, it seemed to start beating in a brand new way, there was such joy and such hope in that moment that maybe like the Grinch’s heart, mine “grew three sizes that day!”

Samuel has had an explosion of language these past two months, I can talk to him and get answers from him now, and that is just the very best thing I can ever imagine. I let go of my plan to get Sammy talking two years ago, and I encouraged the plan that God was laying out before me, to encourage Samuel’s artwork and his drawing. His art has come a LONG way and the difference from a picture he drew a year and a half ago and today are just amazing. I will find a way to post the pictures on here so you can see them. I can’t even begin to find the right words to thank God with, they fail me greatly at this moment. I am so thankful I listened to what He was telling me Sammy needed, and realized I need to listen to Him much more on what He is telling me I need.

Two months ago I began working on having a thankful heart and praising God for EVERY single detail and every single thing that has happened in my life, good or bad, and He has released me from years of pain in just days!!! If you would like to read the article it is posted on here and it is entitled “A Merry Heart.” It has all the specifics, but I can see so very clearly now as I am obedient to God and thanking Him for all that is in my life and a part of me, well He is just pouring that back out over me in blessings and it is so wonderfully and freshly overwhelming! There is joy in my spirit now that I can barely contain, and I am writing once again, something I have struggled to do for years, but now I just want to pour my heart out and it happens to come through best in typed words. If people like it, great, if they hate it, great! I don’t mind if someone doesn’t like my work anymore, and there is such freedom in that. So Praise God, He is so amazing and so awesome! I can’t wait to see what He does next!

These tiny little pencil nubs have literally drawn their way right into my heart, through obedience to God, He has opened limitless possibilities that only months ago seemed impossible. Hopefully now you understand why such a silly thing as little worn down nubs of pencils could hold such importance. They have done much more than just been a colorful key to open something that had been locked for so long in my life, but they have helped a little boy become more social and begin to understand a world he never could grasp until now, so to put it lightly, I am forever grateful to God...

The above is a picture Samuel drew a year and a half ago of his beloved Veggie Tales characters, Larry and Bob! You see he has trouble staying inside the lines, and I remember it was difficult for him to even draw faces.

This is a picture he did last month, he has moved on to drawing cartoons, and each one of the boxes has an activity in it. Jr. Asparagus was very proud of the picture he drew in the first block, then the tree that was there threw a ball and hit Jr's. hat and knocked it off. In the original drawing that he cut to use for pieces, he likes to cut them out and reenact the scenes on the table. Anyways that block that is empty had Jr. with a big knife and he was chopping down the tree. :o) In each of the other blocks the veggies are very proud of the pictures they have drawn and in the last block, he was trying to write Big Idea, something he can do now today! Such progress, so glad I let go and let God.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Little Purple Flower

I sat and memorized a purple blossom today, or more properly put, it mesmerized me.

I marveled in its sweet innocence, and dreamt of resting in its delicate beauty.

Such peace and such tranquility in every tiny blossom, each cradling a fragment of light as it glistened from a tiny drop of dew, greedily soaking in the sun’s powerful rays.

I dreamt it was dancing and twirling about, round the room again and again. Dressed in the finest of garments, robed in purple nobility.

Each segment holding something new, breathtakingly different from the last.

I saw a fine lady on the floor with her skirts swaying ever so sweetly as she danced effortlessly to the silent musical anomaly.

She is an angel of the ball, the dream of every tiny girl, she’s the gleam in their eyes from something they just thought that was either very good, or very naughty.

She’s a rhapsody of refinement, the bareness of value. The resolution to despair.

Delicate grace springs forth from the tiniest seed of nothing, into stems, leaves and an explosion of the deepest lavender you ever saw.

Such sweetness drawn for my eyes alone to enjoy today, a simple brushstroke from my awesome Creator to let me know of His good intentions. Thank you Father for the fragments of Your glory that you splash about creation on this temporary treasure hunt called life.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Celebrating Today

We went to Skinner's Butte park yesterday, the boys like to call it Skinners butt! :o) We had a good time, Anna swung in the swing and was actually more interested in what the little girl next to her in the swing was doing, than anything else. It was quite comical. I forget... I am actually not sure what I was going to say there, Joshua just came up to me and said "Hey Mom!" And then the next thing I knew there was a lot of blowing through a straw and spit along with a wad of gum came flying at me and hit me on the hand! Ick! What a goof ball.. Now that that is taken care of I can move on, but haven't a clue where I was going with that sentence above. Sometimes I really miss being able to think clearly and have all my ducks in a row, but for the most part, I actually enjoy letting go of all the thoughts and concerns that used to wind me so tightly, and I just enjoy the day. My children aren't ever going to be the same again, every day they change and they grow just a little bit more, and if I don't enjoy it now, when will I? I certainly won't be able to come back years from now and try and enjoy spit and gum being blown onto me from a straw! This is another reason I am very thankful to have a little girl in the house now, she is delicate and fragile, and not rough and wild. But I love my boys SO much.. I try to remember daily to slow it down and take it moment by moment, because all I have is this moment, nothing else promised to me. Yesterday is gone, and tomorrow may never come, so I focus instead on being in today, celebrating this moment...

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Sakura, Sakura...

The heart is such a mighty force, so powerfully loving and living. So strong it keeps beating no matter what, it carries on and keeps on. I have found that no matter the force of the storm that pummels it, even when the waves wash over it and carry it down to the depths, something always inevitably floats… Something rises up from within, joy and hope are renewed once more. What seemed impossible only a moment ago now feels possible, and yet I wonder where this super human strength arises from. What power and what splendor can attain such amazement? What power gives to that extent, that gives me wings to not only fly, but to soar… I am repeatedly rescued from what is now a small wave in the ocean of this world, and lifted to higher grounds where I am out of danger and peace once again fills my horizon. Up, and still up further, when will I stop… So this is what it is like to the birds of the air, just flying and soaring above it all, above the pain and the grief of this world until it no longer seems so big. I gain perspective and am renewed when I see things from my Father’s view, my HUGE situation becomes a tiny speck like an ant, in the grand scheme of it all, and I realize that no matter what happens, I always have hope, and I always have access to joy my almighty God supplies me with. He didn’t create me to be hurt, He created me for beauty, for His enjoyment. He lavishly surrounds me with beauty every day of my life. I see a cluster of daffodils and hear Him ask me gently if it got my attention. I see a sunset that takes my breath away, and He leans back in His chair, content and satisfied that I stopped to enjoy the work of His hands. Peace floods over me as I realize I am part of His beauty, He wanted me to see His joy through the pain that pummeled me so fiercely. I can’t help but wonder all that I have missed until this moment when I finally see the beauty He placed here before me. How many days did I walk numb to You Father? How many days did I tread the dust of this earth without shaking it from my sandals, lifting my eyes to my Creator and allowing His fingerprint to be placed upon my heart. Every time I glory in His creation His fingerprints are left all over my life, heart, and mind, and what I find in the crevices of those fingerprints is His joy.. I see things in a new way and can’t help but be overwhelmed by all of the beauty of this world as it literally is competing for my attention! I can’t hear anything but the pounding surf of the ocean as it resonates praise to my almighty God. Everything He made in creation, He made it to radiate His glory, and to constantly send praise to Him. And if I quiet my spirit just enough, I start to hear it. It is like a light drumming in the beginning, so very faint, it seems so very far away. But then I focus instead on the beauty in front of me, the cherry blossoms on the branch, how delicate and uniquely painted. Holding so much beauty in every petal, each one slightly different than the last. Angels must compete with their splendor. And to think my Creator fashioned them for me alone, each hand crafted, with Him hoping to catch my eye today as I pass by in such a flurry of activity and motion. Yet I stop to gaze at the blossoms in all their wonder, and am overcome with their simplicity that stirs deep down into my very soul. I hear a melody. I quiet my heart and mind and seek to find their meaning. The pink whiteness stands out and bids me to fall into it’s softness. In a world constantly in turmoil, there is great beauty in this moment, as such a simple act is performed by kneeling my spirit before my Creator and pressing my ear to His wondrous creation, I have momentarily echoed and seen a fragmented glimpse of His glory, and it is so very good!

Painting A Dream...

My Anna girl is so sleepy, she is done with this world for now, and she fusses impatiently as I try and get comfy laying down beside her… Mommy always takes so long. She begins to nurse and within moments of latching on, her little eyelids flutter and her eyes start to roll back into dreamland… Such contentment, as if she were suddenly placed in a meadow filled with wild flowers and a warm breeze… I can almost see the butterflies as they flutter about. I can almost hear the birds chirping above us, and the angels as they fly on their paths in the skies. I am certain I heard the rustle of their wings… Peace spills over from her face, and I know she has reached her destination… I can feel the warmth of the breeze, and there seem to be dandelions parachuting down from every direction, everything is right in this moment, everything is perfect. The suns rays burst through the tips of the tall evergreens in the distance, almost as if the fingers of God were stretching through from heaven to reach us. The sun warms my face and sends all the stress from within my body bursting forth into the atmosphere, and everything is right in this world.