Friday, March 22, 2013

No Man's Land...

I have to wake up.
This dream has become a confusing reality and I desperately need to awaken...

I tell my legs to move,
I instruct my arms to do the same,
they oblige...

But my heart is another matter all together, it won't budge...
It is the biggest mountain of a rock on this green earth of my soul and I can't do anything with it.

I feel trapped...
frozen in the ice of it's highest summit where no human has yet dared to go and claim...

Who do I wait for to claim these icy, frigid waters at it's base...
the depth of which seem to carry on forever.

Who do I wait for, and why am I certain that I am not a worthy quest and that no one's actually coming...

The pain freezes me in silence...
the winds are bitterly unbearable at this height...
how do I expect any human to ever break through this barrier of pain...

Even if they do have the skills they lack determination, or visa verse..

I am weary of always being strong...
i want to be weak.

My body cries out for weakness...
but the cold solidity of my imposed and accepted strengths,
keeps me frigid...
cold...
alone...

I wish to simply dissolve...
yet what I really need is to rise up.
Even if I am bone weary of rising up one more single time...
but the single time always becomes again...  and again...  and again...  and again...

I rise up...
I step forward.
I choose to see the light,
or I choose the empty comfort of the dark pain...

This I do know, weeping may endure for the night,
but I can always find joy in the morning:  light... joy...  hope... and strength...

If I am crying tonight,
it just means I am emptying my cup, that was once again too full.
Tomorrow will bring, as it always has,
a fresh outpouring to suffice me for the day.

so I hold on, and then breathe in deeply that fresh morning light.
after all, what else is there to do when you have an awakening...

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Tj's Kick-Ass Coconut Granola Recipe



5c. Rolled Oats   (I use Bob's Red Mill GF Rolled Oats they are wonderful)
1/2c to 1c Almond Meal
1 c. shredded unsweetened raw Coconut
1/2 c. Oat Bran (Can use any bran, even wheat germ if you aren't Celiac)
Combine the above ingredients in a large bowl with enough room left to stir in liquids and disperse evenly.

1 c. Melted Coconut Oil (Can use others, Coconut tastes the best and is the best for you, it is a good fat)
1/2 c. raw Agave Nectar (You can use honey or brown sugar if you prefer, the Agave works better for me because the sugar in it is better assimilated in me and I can't do honey.  Also you may want to add more sweetener, I use very little now, I used to use a whole cup of Agave)
1 to 2 tsp. pure Vanilla extract  (Can also add a tsp of Almond extract if you want a cherry taste)
Combine the Coconut Oil, Agave, and Vanilla, then pour over oat mixture and stir until all oats are coated with mixture.

Place in a 9x13 (ish) glass dish and Bake at 275 for 15 minutes.  I prefer mine soft and chewy so if you like yours crunchy, just cook it longer, and stir it in 15 minute increments.  Let it cool and add fruit.  I add raisins as a favorite and then it tastes like a warm oatmeal cookie if you eat it soon, that is a huge comfort thing for me and the coconut oil, oatmeal and vanilla really soothe my stomach.  You can use fresh fruit, strawberries and blueberries are best, it is wonderful with raisins and bananas.  Find your perfect combination, I have some on hand most days of the week, it is a wonderful sweet treat without the unhealthy fat and sugars.
Enjoy....

You can also add more nuts and seeds in 1/4 c. increments; pumpkin, sunflower, and sesame seeds are all delicious to add for a change in flavor.   You can also add Hazelnut Meal instead of Almond Meal and that is very tasty too.

Big Red Balloon...




I close my eyes...
I take in a slow, deep, cleansing breath...

Joy and Pride rise up in me from my core, I lift them up...  they awaken drowsily from their slumber.

My roots are tidy... soft... comfortable... safe...  and cleansed.

Bathed in a soft, golden glow...
the tides rise and fade away in my spirit.

My pulse strengthens...  my heart relaxes...  my cup is filled.

The light pours in, and floats through the tides...  like water and oil not mixing.

There is a drain, and a swirling...  a pulling.
the wrong thoughts are removed...
the pain subsides and releases...
the darkness is filled with light...
the light pours into the bowl...
the core of my being.

I breathe in fresh oxygen and direct the warm current to my root, focusing on building and restoring.

The inner lights soothe me...
they bathe my mind...
softening hard thought patterns...
lifting broken reasoning...
restoring peace.

My soul begins to float up... up... up...  like a big, red, bright balloon...
full of life...  bursting with color... lifting with joy.

I am an amazing being...  fearfully and wonderfully made.







Sunday, March 17, 2013

When the Heart Breaks

I have often pondered why the heart must break...  It seems so needless, the suffering and the pain that can come from the broken heart.
But when a bone is broken and it doesn't heal properly, it must be reset which is quite painful physically. However the pain is necessary to heal properly and not cause additional pain when one uses it from that point forward.
It must be reset so it gets aligned  and works together with the rest of the body in proper harmony.

The heart is no different, and as I have grown older and more set in my ways, callouses have built up around the areas of my heart that were broken so long ago and never healed properly.
I often cry out for healing, but am numb to every single avenue that the healing can come in through, because I am still locked and broken by the torrent of emotions that threaten to break me at the very thought of their existence..
I continue to cry out for my eyes to be opened, and then the light comes flooding in and it is piercing, blinding, and I am fearful.  At times it feels as if my heart might burst, this new territory I see, I see the corruption from the past, but then I see the light pouring in, and I know it is the light I have to merge successfully with.
I don't hold onto the pain, pain will never bring me true comfort, even if it is what I am accustomed to.  Do I repeat that memory for the rest of my life with the sharp infliction of pain in it, or do I accept that it was painful, that it happened, allowing the feelings to rip through my body if they must, and sometimes they come in torrents, floods of pain.  But you hold onto the root, to whatever you can, you hold on for dear life so that the force of the flood doesn't suck you in with it, and then once you realize all you had to do was hold on to that root, and hold on to the light that was flooding in, healing becomes much easier.  It isn't scary like it used to be... I am not a naked, fearful child unable to defend myself anymore, I am a grown woman... I am a warrior... and I am proud!   I let my colors fly... without shame, without fear...
I stand firm, tall, and am a proud warrior...
I decide with a sigh of resignation, the heart must break in order to increase and grow, and I will not be bitter for my heart breaking, but I will be glad for the opportunity heart break brings to heal, and to grow, and if I allow it to, to truly THRIVE.

I have arrived, I am exactly who I am supposed to be, heartbreak doesn't mean failure, heartbreak is an opportunity to grow...  to stretch out once more in safety... and to thrive once again...


Thursday, March 14, 2013

Beloved


Beloved, my heart screams…  You haunt me even in my dreams.  Joy is stowed away, sadness encompasses my soul like water around a life preserver.  The weight pulls down, deeper and deeper sinking… sinking… sinking…

I look to the surface of the water, I can see the reflection of joy, I remember she used to be there, but as I am pulled down to the depths I slowly surrender and close my eyes, forgetting a world that once inhabited everything good for this soul.

Ancient tears pour out, the pain feels as if it will never cease, working so hard for healing, fighting so hard, fighting for so long…  was it really all to simply be left alone once again.  How I came into this world, to be reminded I am alone, I already knew this…

I want to be restored, I want someone else to do the work, I am weary, my bones are dry…  Spectators certainly gather, but they just look on, they don’t help... they don’t touch... they don’t heal... they just watch.

Loneliness threatens to drown me in his sorrow, how many times have I held out for that brighter tomorrow.  Does it ever come?  Why does it wait in darkness, in cold silence.  How am I to find it with this Winters frost still dusting my flesh.

I have been following an illusion for years, now I look up and remove my nose from the grinding stone and don’t recognize my surroundings, I have woken up in a strange place I know not, and no longer understand or feel a fight to live for.

Where is my mustard seed, the mountain I have fought and fought and fought my entire life to climb.. to move... to change... is still planted in front of me firmly.

Where is that tiny flicker of hope that used to radiate with a warmth  that drew others to want to abide with me, instead of standing by helplessly watching me fall.  Reaching, but not holding...  Saying, but not meaning…

I poured my heart out into an earthly vessel, that rejected it and pushed it back in my face with a force I have not before felt.  It knocked the wind out of my chest, the life out of my soul.   How do I fight still, what is left to fight for...

I couldn't find the silver lining for so long and then I spotted it, faintly in the distance, barely visible, but there...  I reached out, I stretched as far my earthly body would allow me, and found that when you reach that high to touch the stars, it just means you have all that farther to fall.   

I am still waiting to hit the bottom, I feel it coming, I know it is there, I can’t deny it…  But I won’t open my eyes…

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Like Water Poured Out...

Like water poured out
     my soul flows forth,
Like water poured out
     I seek to dissolve into the earth.



Like water poured out
     back in the container it goes not,
Like water poured out
     I seek final solitude to absorb me into it's warm hearth.



Like water poured out
     my flesh is clean,
Like water poured out
     I wait in silence for the majestic ships to return and grace my harbor once more.



Like water poured out
     my tears fall silently,
Like water poured out
     my soul is dry.



Like water poured out
     it quenches my thirst,
Like water poured out
     I return to the sky...