Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Pieces To My Puzzle

How do you communicate to your 10 year old autistic son, for whom even a simple yes or no is very taxing for his little system to supply. To whom a simple question will either elicit joy, or extreme frustration because the words jumbled together, and even though yesterday he understood what I meant when I asked him to turn off the light, today it doesn't make sense and he tries to do ten different things for me that he thinks I might mean, because he can't understand the language I am speaking from my mouth. How do I communicate my love to my Sammy boy and know he hears it and feels it and sees it? When I try and show him my affection he is like a huge lab that still thinks he is a puppy,:o) he almost knocks me over most of the time, and I can't tell you the number of bruises his love has left on my body. I try to hold him and he gets excited and jumps, I try to talk to him and he giggles at me and this veil seems to settle over his eyes and I instantly know I am not making sense to my Sammy anymore and my heart cries out. My heart literally breaks. Day after day, after day, after day.

Sammy's mood often sets the tone for the entire family, if he wakes up and doesn't feel quite right, or something isn't exactly how he expected it, meltdowns are frequent and numerous.

How do I reach his little heart when he cries on the floor and flops about because he is so frustrated with what he is trying to do that he can't get to work, and he can't ask for help.

How do I respond.

So often it is so easy to become enraged. I get up and have been out of bed five minutes and hear whining and fussing from his room and my heart gets angry. Why can't I have time for myself, I only wanted to spend some time in the Bible, surely this should be a simple task when I have awoken before my two youngest girls to sneak in this time. Why does rage and anger seem to come so easily?!? I fight them back as best as I can, but it still rages in me at times against my own flesh and blood, what do I do with this? How do I accept that there are times that are just going to be angering for the rest of my life. I have made peace with Sammy being with Billy and I long after the other children have grown and moved out, I don't have any trouble with that at all. If I could only just reach him...

I would often find myself just breathing, sometimes that is the best reply I can give my son, to breathe deeply, close my eyes and say nothing. Does he need to see the frustration and hurt in my eyes? Does he need to see how my heart breaks on the days that I cannot reach him no matter how hard I try? Does he need to see my feelings of failing him in my eyes? Does he need to see the pain in my heart and the grief that sneaks up when I feel Sam has been robbed of something good. When I feel Sammy has had something taken from him that wasn't rightfully done.

How can I praise my God entirely when my heart is broken because the child He gave to me I feel He has somehow made a mistake with.

To look my Sammy in the eyes I see nothing short of a miracle. He is a beautiful little boy, such soft brown and golden curls in his hair and warm hazel eyes that seem to ooze forth his love and joy for life. When I look into Sammy's eyes, I see he is happy. Just because the world I thought he needed and deserved isn't the way it turned out to be, doesn't mean my Sammy isn't happy.

So I breathe, when I think I cannot take a minute longer, I cry out to God for help, I close my eyes, and I breathe deeply. Often tears accompany these prayers, but I breathe deeply and pray until I can think clearly enough to join Sammy in his world, and love him right where he is at. Even if it means there will be extra bruises on my body, even if it means I don't get to do what I wanted this morning, or even today, and need to wait until later to fit in time with God. I need to drop what I am doing and meet my little angel right where he is. Often it can be joy too, but that is an easy place for me to meet him, sometimes the whoops of joy and laughter literally echoe from the hallways as he runs up and down them. But when he is broken, I am broken too. So I meet him in our brokeness, and I seek God's help in how to fix this. I don't often have solutions, other than to sit there with him and get him through it, putting aside 100% of everything on my mind, meals to make, clothes to clean, baby to nurse, etc... Instead I lay down my will, and I meet Sammy right where he is. If he is tossing a toy into a container and saying the same thing over and over again, then I do that. Amazingly I have found that his speach gets clearer when I do this, and he actually starts looking into my eyes, straight and deep into my eyes, his little soul meets mine. Such a simple thing as that, because I joined him in his little world. There is a theory behind this, it is called 'Floor Time' and it is very successful with children with autism, the idea is that you meet a child exactly where they are at, if all they want to do is throw a block on the floor and say the same word over and over, that is what you do. The more you meet them in their world, the safer they feel being drawn out to join you in your world.

I had to walk through some deep healing from past emotional pain before I could ever get to this place of meeting Sammy in his world. I have tried before, believe me I tried and failed again and again and again. Well he is my son, he is the apple of my eye, what else am I to do. I learn a little more, I read a little more, I try and find solutions. But most of the time I tried and failed because I had such grief in my heart, it not only blocked God from working through me completely, but it blocked Sammy from feeling safe and secure always with his mommy. But since I have walked through this turmoil in my own heart, Sammy feels safer now allowing me into his world. Momma's unresolved anger and pain don't hurt him anymore. Samuel and I have a connection that runs almost as deep as a mother nursing her child, he is not by any means nursing, but his emotional connection to me has always been very strong. It makes sense, his survival depends on his mother's emotional state. If I was stressed out by life or whatever was going on, it showed every day in me and was written onto my Sammy's heart, instead of the things I longed to write there.

His momma is so heartbroken that it has taken this long to meet her little Sammy angel right where he is, but I am rejoicing that God has set me free from my past and is allowing me a glimpse into Sammy's world today. After trying and trying and trying in my own power, I realized it was useless, it isn't by might, and it isn't by power... It was by His Spirit... Thank you Jesus, Thank you Lord, I will forever praise Your name for You are MORE than worthy of our praises!!!!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Dear One

Shattered dreams, broken plans.
Wounds that run deep throughout scarred hands.

Hands that have tried to heal,
Hands that have strived always to do enough,
Never realizing in my own strength, things will always be rough.

When these scarred hands, still dripping with blood from past sin,
Choose to stop blocking God's presence from fully entering in,
Amazing things begin to happen.

What will happen if I take my hands from gripping the wheel of life,
Turning them palms up in sacrifice?
These hands become softened,
Hard callouses disappear.
You can almost feel the mud and the gunk as it drips off your soul and God rinses it clean.

No longer bound to my fear or regrets, what will I do for comfort?
Sorrow and despair hung about me like tattered, moth eaten cloaks.
Do I cling to these rags, or do I let them fall freely from my body, and simply allow Christ to be my true identity?

The good news is, He has seen me naked, broken and abused.
He wasn't shocked by it as I expected Him to be,
He has seen me just as I am, weak, fragile, human...
And He somehow is still in love with me.
What I see as weakness,
He sees as strength.
What I see as pitiful and small,
He never despises.

It is only through my weaknesses that God can perfect me,
For if I had things under control always, why would I need God.
In fact, if this were true we would have no need for God,
And our Creator fashioned us for partnership with Him.
Partnership in a divine, not of this world marriage.

Without those nasty old rags clinging to my body,
I can actually begin to see radiance.
It is as if the light from my soul that was bound for so long in darkness and fear,
Has burst forth and shown through me in a brilliant outpouring.

I used to whimper and whine to God about my life, it wasn't until I got serious that I began to find Him.
He wasn't willing to allow me to continue as His spotless bride, when I had whole areas of my soul sectioned and roped off from His presence.

"It's all or nothing baby, are you in or out?" He says...

And when I finally commit 100% to allowing Him freely into every single fiber of my being,
Healing pours forth in a radiant light.

Since I had suffered sexual abuse as a child, I was convinced I was nothing. I didn't know how to fit God into a world where He allowed such things to go on, my world...
Suffice to say, it was very long suffering, but when I was old enough to deal with it, He called me to him one day.

Just like a child I came to Him immediately and it was almost as if He pulled me up onto His knee, smiling, beaming love at me. He tried to gently draw my attention to something, but I quickly changed the subject. He tried to show me again and I would change the subject each time. This went on for some time, and then one day instead of chattering on to Him about my day and what I was thinking and doing, I decided to ask Him what He was thinking. I had felt so much unrest in my spirit recently, I didn't know where I was going wrong, I just felt so confused. Memories even started getting foggy and I just seemed so stressed and overwhelmed all the time, where was my peace and tranquility. I thought I spent more time with God now, but I didn't feel like I had been in His presence that often anymore.

"Dear One, there is something I must show you, though it pains me deeply. You are old enough now, I will hide you under the shadow of my wings no longer, you must stop this destructive behavior. It worked when you were young, it helped you to survive, but now you must trust me and surrender it to me." He said.

Like a child I whined. I fussed and whimpered about, pleading Him to not make me. But after a few months of feeling very uncomfortable inside, I told Him I was ready. No matter what it was that I had blocked from my past, I would deal with it, I was done being on this fencepost in life, I wanted to hike up to the mountain tops and take in the views. With His help I knew I could.

And then later the next day when my husband was with me and the perfect opportunity presented itself for healing, it started. In an instant my chest was tight, it felt as if the weight of the world rested on it, it hurt so terribly I could barely breathe. And I was a little girl again, afraid and panicking. I was like a wild animal, clawing and clutching for life. I was running from those demons that had haunted my dreams, I recognized them instantly. They were even bigger and stronger than I remembered them and I was this itty bitty, fragile little girl. I felt like I had just been stripped naked, granted they were filthy and tattered garments that hung lifelessly from my body, but they at least had covered me. The mud was filthy but at least it hid me, this seemed so much worse. I cried out! I shrieked!! I had sounds escape my mouth that I didn't know I was capable of making, deep, deep groaning’s of the heart...

And then, when I thought the pain would swallow me whole, I heard my Father's voice.

"Dear One, do you hear me? That's right, calm down, I am here, it's alright my darling, I am here."

His voice instantly calmed the storm within me. His chest instantly comforted me as I pressed my face into Him and His hand caressed the back of my head. I felt peace, complete and totally blissful peace as if I had somehow risen above myself, stepped out of the memory and grew 29+ years, and here I was back in today, an adult still cradled in her heavenly Father's arms, realizing for the first time I need Him now just as much as I did as a child, perhaps even more so now.
I was holding onto Him like a child clutching a security blanket, afraid to let go, my knuckles had gone white. My teeth hurt and my jaw ached from how strongly I had gritted my teeth.

But then, my jaw loosened...

"Dear One," He whispered sweetly.

Then my hands began to relax, blood started to flow properly again.

"Dear One," He sang to me...

My whole body began to relax and I took a slow, deep cleansing breath and pushed every single bit of evil that had only seconds ago enveloped me, out!

"Dear One." I heard His sweet soft voice calling out to me as if from a dream,

"Dear one." It became clearer and clearer until I knew nothing but total contentment. I breathed in and out, since so much had just been purged from me, I leaned back and breathed in the sweet fragrance of my Savior, and let Him fill me instead.

When I cried out for deliverance, God showed me I needed reconciliation instead. Reconcile means to meet again, and He is never going to let me run from my past again.

"A royal daughter of the Almighty King of Kings does not run about in fear like an infant.
A child of the King of Kings simply rests in her Father and obeys."

“The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with His love, he will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

Sunday, January 1, 2012

A New Years Prayer

It's a brand new year Lord,
Please breathe a breath of fresh air into me, into my life and loved ones.

Restore what needs restoration,
Bind and remove that which hinders.

Un-fetter my spirit, give me wings.
Teach me to rise above my circumstances.

Cleanse what is soiled,
Wash away the mud and filth.
Heal the wounds that I carry and remove them from me completely.

Purify my heart,
That I would not project my fears and failures onto others.

Convict me where I need conviction,
and tenderize my heart so that I can more clearly see and have compassion for others.

Let me love as you love,
Quiet my soul.

Teach me to exude Your peace,
Your grace,
Your mercy to others...

This is my hearts desire.