Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Dear One

Shattered dreams, broken plans.
Wounds that run deep throughout scarred hands.

Hands that have tried to heal,
Hands that have strived always to do enough,
Never realizing in my own strength, things will always be rough.

When these scarred hands, still dripping with blood from past sin,
Choose to stop blocking God's presence from fully entering in,
Amazing things begin to happen.

What will happen if I take my hands from gripping the wheel of life,
Turning them palms up in sacrifice?
These hands become softened,
Hard callouses disappear.
You can almost feel the mud and the gunk as it drips off your soul and God rinses it clean.

No longer bound to my fear or regrets, what will I do for comfort?
Sorrow and despair hung about me like tattered, moth eaten cloaks.
Do I cling to these rags, or do I let them fall freely from my body, and simply allow Christ to be my true identity?

The good news is, He has seen me naked, broken and abused.
He wasn't shocked by it as I expected Him to be,
He has seen me just as I am, weak, fragile, human...
And He somehow is still in love with me.
What I see as weakness,
He sees as strength.
What I see as pitiful and small,
He never despises.

It is only through my weaknesses that God can perfect me,
For if I had things under control always, why would I need God.
In fact, if this were true we would have no need for God,
And our Creator fashioned us for partnership with Him.
Partnership in a divine, not of this world marriage.

Without those nasty old rags clinging to my body,
I can actually begin to see radiance.
It is as if the light from my soul that was bound for so long in darkness and fear,
Has burst forth and shown through me in a brilliant outpouring.

I used to whimper and whine to God about my life, it wasn't until I got serious that I began to find Him.
He wasn't willing to allow me to continue as His spotless bride, when I had whole areas of my soul sectioned and roped off from His presence.

"It's all or nothing baby, are you in or out?" He says...

And when I finally commit 100% to allowing Him freely into every single fiber of my being,
Healing pours forth in a radiant light.

Since I had suffered sexual abuse as a child, I was convinced I was nothing. I didn't know how to fit God into a world where He allowed such things to go on, my world...
Suffice to say, it was very long suffering, but when I was old enough to deal with it, He called me to him one day.

Just like a child I came to Him immediately and it was almost as if He pulled me up onto His knee, smiling, beaming love at me. He tried to gently draw my attention to something, but I quickly changed the subject. He tried to show me again and I would change the subject each time. This went on for some time, and then one day instead of chattering on to Him about my day and what I was thinking and doing, I decided to ask Him what He was thinking. I had felt so much unrest in my spirit recently, I didn't know where I was going wrong, I just felt so confused. Memories even started getting foggy and I just seemed so stressed and overwhelmed all the time, where was my peace and tranquility. I thought I spent more time with God now, but I didn't feel like I had been in His presence that often anymore.

"Dear One, there is something I must show you, though it pains me deeply. You are old enough now, I will hide you under the shadow of my wings no longer, you must stop this destructive behavior. It worked when you were young, it helped you to survive, but now you must trust me and surrender it to me." He said.

Like a child I whined. I fussed and whimpered about, pleading Him to not make me. But after a few months of feeling very uncomfortable inside, I told Him I was ready. No matter what it was that I had blocked from my past, I would deal with it, I was done being on this fencepost in life, I wanted to hike up to the mountain tops and take in the views. With His help I knew I could.

And then later the next day when my husband was with me and the perfect opportunity presented itself for healing, it started. In an instant my chest was tight, it felt as if the weight of the world rested on it, it hurt so terribly I could barely breathe. And I was a little girl again, afraid and panicking. I was like a wild animal, clawing and clutching for life. I was running from those demons that had haunted my dreams, I recognized them instantly. They were even bigger and stronger than I remembered them and I was this itty bitty, fragile little girl. I felt like I had just been stripped naked, granted they were filthy and tattered garments that hung lifelessly from my body, but they at least had covered me. The mud was filthy but at least it hid me, this seemed so much worse. I cried out! I shrieked!! I had sounds escape my mouth that I didn't know I was capable of making, deep, deep groaning’s of the heart...

And then, when I thought the pain would swallow me whole, I heard my Father's voice.

"Dear One, do you hear me? That's right, calm down, I am here, it's alright my darling, I am here."

His voice instantly calmed the storm within me. His chest instantly comforted me as I pressed my face into Him and His hand caressed the back of my head. I felt peace, complete and totally blissful peace as if I had somehow risen above myself, stepped out of the memory and grew 29+ years, and here I was back in today, an adult still cradled in her heavenly Father's arms, realizing for the first time I need Him now just as much as I did as a child, perhaps even more so now.
I was holding onto Him like a child clutching a security blanket, afraid to let go, my knuckles had gone white. My teeth hurt and my jaw ached from how strongly I had gritted my teeth.

But then, my jaw loosened...

"Dear One," He whispered sweetly.

Then my hands began to relax, blood started to flow properly again.

"Dear One," He sang to me...

My whole body began to relax and I took a slow, deep cleansing breath and pushed every single bit of evil that had only seconds ago enveloped me, out!

"Dear One." I heard His sweet soft voice calling out to me as if from a dream,

"Dear one." It became clearer and clearer until I knew nothing but total contentment. I breathed in and out, since so much had just been purged from me, I leaned back and breathed in the sweet fragrance of my Savior, and let Him fill me instead.

When I cried out for deliverance, God showed me I needed reconciliation instead. Reconcile means to meet again, and He is never going to let me run from my past again.

"A royal daughter of the Almighty King of Kings does not run about in fear like an infant.
A child of the King of Kings simply rests in her Father and obeys."

“The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with His love, he will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

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