Beloved

Beloved, my heart screams…  You haunt me even in my dreams.  Joy is stowed away, sadness encompasses my soul like water around a life preserver.  The weight pulls down, deeper and deeper sinking… sinking… sinking…

I look to the surface of the water, I can see the reflection of joy, I remember she used to be there, but as I am pulled down to the depths I slowly surrender and close my eyes, forgetting a world that once inhabited everything good for this soul.

Ancient tears pour out, the pain feels as if it will never cease, working so hard for healing, fighting so hard, fighting for so long…  was it really all to simply be left alone once again.  How I came into this world, to be reminded I am alone, I already knew this…

I want to be restored, I want someone else to do the work, I am weary, my bones are dry…  Spectators certainly gather, but they just look on, they don’t help... they don’t touch... they don’t heal... they just watch.

Loneliness threatens to drown me in his sorrow, how many times have I held out for that brighter tomorrow.  Does it ever come?  Why does it wait in darkness, in cold silence.  How am I to find it with this Winters frost still dusting my flesh.

I have been following an illusion for years, now I look up and remove my nose from the grinding stone and don’t recognize my surroundings, I have woken up in a strange place I know not, and no longer understand or feel a fight to live for.

Where is my mustard seed, the mountain I have fought and fought and fought my entire life to climb.. to move... to change... is still planted in front of me firmly.

Where is that tiny flicker of hope that used to radiate with a warmth  that drew others to want to abide with me, instead of standing by helplessly watching me fall.  Reaching, but not holding...  Saying, but not meaning…

I poured my heart out into an earthly vessel, that rejected it and pushed it back in my face with a force I have not before felt.  It knocked the wind out of my chest, the life out of my soul.   How do I fight still, what is left to fight for...

I couldn't find the silver lining for so long and then I spotted it, faintly in the distance, barely visible, but there...  I reached out, I stretched as far my earthly body would allow me, and found that when you reach that high to touch the stars, it just means you have all that farther to fall.   

I am still waiting to hit the bottom, I feel it coming, I know it is there, I can’t deny it…  But I won’t open my eyes…