My heart and soul scream out for Sanctuary, where are you? When will you come? My voice is hoarse and my throat full of
pain from the dry scratch that is created every time I try and whisper your
name. My body trembles under the weight of the pain. I miss You desperately and I need to be
comforted. Where is my Sanctuary, where
is my temple, the earth has been violently shaken beneath me and crumbled all
that I held dear to the very core.
Shaken,
and broken, crumbling down into the earth. Nothing left to be seen but
mangled wreckage of something that once might have been beautiful.
Where is my Sanctuary, where is my temple. I went searching for you and in my zealous
search, I lost sight of you and can no longer even find Joy. Where did she go, she has broken my heart,
and I miss her deeply with a sadness born only in a soul that has known too
much pain and sorrow for these few years on this earth.
Where is my solace?
Where is my comfort? I cry out for you, but you have abandoned me.
I followed my hearts cry completely and totally for the first time ever and my
world shook and trembled and crumbled violently under the weight of my dream.
My anger and brokenness do nothing to comfort, they remind
me of my inadequacies and that my life is not of value, if it were, I would not
have to walk through such pain and brokenness.
Why…
So often in life I am stuck in the why, and even if I had an
answer as to why every bad thing that has cut me so deeply and left scars in my
very soul, the why still will not help me to heal. The why doesn't help.
Where is my Sanctuary, where is my dream, and what corrupted
it to such dark confusion and turmoil.
It started burning so bright and clear, but this is dim and fading in
the growing darkness and I can’t seem to gather enough life together to keep
the flame burning. I watch it slowly
flickering and fading and I fight the fear that rises from my soul that says
it will never light again if I let it out.
Yet I have no Sanctuary, no place of peace and comfort to
rest my weary soul and to lick and tend to my wounds that run so very
deep.
No I must keep running, running, running.
Running blindly from my past, and blindly into my
future.
Running, running, running.
My mind won’t stop, my mind won’t give me peace, but my heart fears
daily that it will stop. I fear the
pain in my heart could confuse it to
stop pumping, it has already lost cadence repeatedly for months now, almost a
year, and there are days where I wait to see if the pain subsides or if it will
finally take over and consume me completely, removing me from this world
altogether.
I often have wondered how much loss and grief the human soul
can handle before it departs from this world, I wasn't testing the concept, I
was trying to assure myself that I hadn't been given too much and that my heart
would continue to beat even under the weight of the pressing water of the world
that closes in around me.
The sinking,
sinking, sinking down into the depth of despair that holds me like a beaten
child is held by their mother after they were beaten by her. Comfort doesn't come through her, how could
it.
Sanctuary, what does it mean to me, a haven of safety. It is not something I have been able to
experience a great deal of in life.
I learn now I have to make my own sanctuary. It is inside me, inside my temple, this holy
body that I so often mutilate with unkind words and harsh critiques. How do I reset my internal dialogue to that
of joy, peace, harmony, and love for myself, instead of the things that were
placed in me by others that aren't even the tiniest faction of the truth about
me.
I used to know where my hope came from, now I am not so
sure. Tears that won’t stop falling,
blind the truth and blur it to an unrecognizable form that I continually move
about internally trying to scoot here or there and find the right spot for it,
but it just doesn't fit anywhere. The
throw pillow and teddy bear I placed on top of it do nothing to disguise it, it
is still unrecognizable to me, no matter how long I stare at it, I cannot see
it for what it is. When did these
blinders get placed on my eyes, and why won’t they fall off.
Before I had hope, I always had a hope in the better, and
the higher. Hope that something was
there that would lift me from my grief and that someone placed me in this world
for a reason, not just for blind confusion that leads me from walking into one
wall after another, and another, and another.
The wisdom I thought my soul possessed and before thought
was good and secure, I have now found to be very inadequate and there are
complete volumes missing from the library of my soul. Volumes that I blacked out, by not believing
in their very existence.
If you deny something long enough in your life, you really
won’t see it anymore. Of course the pain
that comes through that is that once you black out enough things that full of
grief, well, you can’t keep them contained and sealed up. They start to rot and fester in the container
you placed them in, and then they begin to ooze out of their crate and start to
infect the surrounding areas of your soul, until the darkness has permeated
almost everything.
So I face the grief and turmoil head on, I won’t run
anymore, I am not afraid, fear has never been able to hurt me, it is just an emotion, just a feeling and it passes like all feelings do…
But where is my Sanctuary, I still can’t find it. I need my Sanctuary, I need my temple
restored, I need the foundation rebuilt, and can’t seem to find any volunteers
to help.
So I begin the work again on my own.
Amazingly, comfort comes through repetition,
and healing comes through the repetition.
Some days you have to decide that just breathing in and out today is an
accomplishment, because some days all you can do is breathe. And then maybe tomorrow I can start to clean
up some of the wreckage in my soul from this earthquake.
It simply means it is time to rebuild.
To stand up.
To get up.
To
start again.
So I stand up, I
shake the dust from my sandals and I begin again, this time I will find my Sanctuary,
and when I do, I will never let her go again…
