I have to wake up.
This dream has become a confusing reality and I desperately need to awaken...
I tell my legs to move,
I instruct my arms to do the same,
they oblige...
But my heart is another matter all together, it won't budge...
It is the biggest mountain of a rock on this green earth of my soul and I can't do anything with it.
I feel trapped...
frozen in the ice of it's highest summit where no human has yet dared to go and claim...
Who do I wait for to claim these icy, frigid waters at it's base...
the depth of which seem to carry on forever.
Who do I wait for, and why am I certain that I am not a worthy quest and that no one's actually coming...
The pain freezes me in silence...
the winds are bitterly unbearable at this height...
how do I expect any human to ever break through this barrier of pain...
Even if they do have the skills they lack determination, or visa verse..
I am weary of always being strong...
i want to be weak.
My body cries out for weakness...
but the cold solidity of my imposed and accepted strengths,
keeps me frigid...
cold...
alone...
I wish to simply dissolve...
yet what I really need is to rise up.
Even if I am bone weary of rising up one more single time...
but the single time always becomes again... and again... and again... and again...
I rise up...
I step forward.
I choose to see the light,
or I choose the empty comfort of the dark pain...
This I do know, weeping may endure for the night,
but I can always find joy in the morning: light... joy... hope... and strength...
If I am crying tonight,
it just means I am emptying my cup, that was once again too full.
Tomorrow will bring, as it always has,
a fresh outpouring to suffice me for the day.
so I hold on, and then breathe in deeply that fresh morning light.
after all, what else is there to do when you have an awakening...
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Friday, March 22, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
When the Heart Breaks
I have often pondered why the heart must break... It seems so needless, the suffering and the pain that can come from the broken heart.
But when a bone is broken and it doesn't heal properly, it must be reset which is quite painful physically. However the pain is necessary to heal properly and not cause additional pain when one uses it from that point forward.
It must be reset so it gets aligned and works together with the rest of the body in proper harmony.
The heart is no different, and as I have grown older and more set in my ways, callouses have built up around the areas of my heart that were broken so long ago and never healed properly.
I often cry out for healing, but am numb to every single avenue that the healing can come in through, because I am still locked and broken by the torrent of emotions that threaten to break me at the very thought of their existence..
I continue to cry out for my eyes to be opened, and then the light comes flooding in and it is piercing, blinding, and I am fearful. At times it feels as if my heart might burst, this new territory I see, I see the corruption from the past, but then I see the light pouring in, and I know it is the light I have to merge successfully with.
I don't hold onto the pain, pain will never bring me true comfort, even if it is what I am accustomed to. Do I repeat that memory for the rest of my life with the sharp infliction of pain in it, or do I accept that it was painful, that it happened, allowing the feelings to rip through my body if they must, and sometimes they come in torrents, floods of pain. But you hold onto the root, to whatever you can, you hold on for dear life so that the force of the flood doesn't suck you in with it, and then once you realize all you had to do was hold on to that root, and hold on to the light that was flooding in, healing becomes much easier. It isn't scary like it used to be... I am not a naked, fearful child unable to defend myself anymore, I am a grown woman... I am a warrior... and I am proud! I let my colors fly... without shame, without fear...
I stand firm, tall, and am a proud warrior...
I decide with a sigh of resignation, the heart must break in order to increase and grow, and I will not be bitter for my heart breaking, but I will be glad for the opportunity heart break brings to heal, and to grow, and if I allow it to, to truly THRIVE.
I have arrived, I am exactly who I am supposed to be, heartbreak doesn't mean failure, heartbreak is an opportunity to grow... to stretch out once more in safety... and to thrive once again...
But when a bone is broken and it doesn't heal properly, it must be reset which is quite painful physically. However the pain is necessary to heal properly and not cause additional pain when one uses it from that point forward.
It must be reset so it gets aligned and works together with the rest of the body in proper harmony.
The heart is no different, and as I have grown older and more set in my ways, callouses have built up around the areas of my heart that were broken so long ago and never healed properly.
I often cry out for healing, but am numb to every single avenue that the healing can come in through, because I am still locked and broken by the torrent of emotions that threaten to break me at the very thought of their existence..
I continue to cry out for my eyes to be opened, and then the light comes flooding in and it is piercing, blinding, and I am fearful. At times it feels as if my heart might burst, this new territory I see, I see the corruption from the past, but then I see the light pouring in, and I know it is the light I have to merge successfully with.
I don't hold onto the pain, pain will never bring me true comfort, even if it is what I am accustomed to. Do I repeat that memory for the rest of my life with the sharp infliction of pain in it, or do I accept that it was painful, that it happened, allowing the feelings to rip through my body if they must, and sometimes they come in torrents, floods of pain. But you hold onto the root, to whatever you can, you hold on for dear life so that the force of the flood doesn't suck you in with it, and then once you realize all you had to do was hold on to that root, and hold on to the light that was flooding in, healing becomes much easier. It isn't scary like it used to be... I am not a naked, fearful child unable to defend myself anymore, I am a grown woman... I am a warrior... and I am proud! I let my colors fly... without shame, without fear...
I stand firm, tall, and am a proud warrior...
I decide with a sigh of resignation, the heart must break in order to increase and grow, and I will not be bitter for my heart breaking, but I will be glad for the opportunity heart break brings to heal, and to grow, and if I allow it to, to truly THRIVE.
I have arrived, I am exactly who I am supposed to be, heartbreak doesn't mean failure, heartbreak is an opportunity to grow... to stretch out once more in safety... and to thrive once again...
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